


Old Flame

by Nigaki



Series: Tamed West [4]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Bottom John Marston, Chapter 2: Horseshoe Overlook (Red Dead Redemption 2), Chapter 4: Saint Denis (Red Dead Redemption 2), Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dutch is not, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hosea is a good dad, Jealousy, John Is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Past Relationship(s), Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Break Up, Soft Arthur, arthur deserved better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23913850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nigaki/pseuds/Nigaki
Summary: Despite trying very hard not to, Arthur eventually met with Mary in Valentine to stop her from living in the past just like he already did a long time ago.
Relationships: John Marston/Arthur Morgan
Series: Tamed West [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585225
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur had to admit that so far, his day was going great. Although he and John were openly robbed when it was them who were supposed to do the robbing but he should’ve expected that. They looked too suspicious to pose as ranch helpers, it was a miracle that sheriff and his deputies weren’t called. Thankfully the two outlaws made a deal with greedy people.

“Well,” John began while riding right by his side. “Wasn’t so bad. I mean, we’re alive.”

“I feel like I just lost a sure poker hand,” Arthur admitted. “Stealing those sheep was a stupid idea.”

“Stop whining, the money will be good anyway,” John comforted him.

“Good, it was supposed to be great,” he reminded the younger man and sighed before looking at him. “At least you wasn’t sitting on your ass like the others.”

“I sat on my ass enough.”

Ever since their hunting, John was leaving the camp almost every day to find some jobs to earn money. Stealing sheep didn’t work out like he intended to but train robbery prior to that went almost flawlessly despite Sean doing his best to ruin it. John’s plan was too good to fail because of one Irish idiot though, that’s why Arthur already forgave his lover for the sheep fiasco. It could’ve happened to anyone. 

“Next time, plan something you’re good at,” Arthur advised the younger man. “A stagecoach robbery or something, not stealing living stock. You’re as bad at being a shepherd as you’re at swimming.”

“I could learn,” John assured him stubbornly. “I would be a good rancher. Someday.”

Arthur didn’t doubt that. John always had a talent for learning new things, he would learn how to work on a ranch too. Arthur could even imagine it and it was a nice future to picture but he quickly get rid of it from his head. This kind of life wasn’t meant for them anyway.

“Before I left, Dutch told me he will wait for us at the saloon,” John told him when they were passing the station. “At the smaller one. He told me to get there when we finish with sheep.”

“He did?” Dutch must’ve suspected they would get the job done. Or just waited in case the stealing would go wrong to intervene and save their asses if the sheriff would want to arrest them. Arthur preferred to think their leader believed in them and their abilities and just waited for them to tell him how good it all went. Maybe he could buy them a drink for the job well done. Arthur would like that, his throat was dry after shouting at sheep. “Let’s go then.”

“Arthur?”

Snowstorm protested with a neigh when Arthur tugged at the reins too hard to stop her. Unfortunately for him, Old Boy suffered just the same when John stopped him as abruptly despite both horses walking slowly.

Arthur hoped he was just hearing things but if John stopped as well, then the voice saying his name was real. Taking a deep breath, the older man turned his head left, and just like he expected, Mary was standing on the side of the road with a luggage in her hand.

He didn’t visit Valentine recently. Ever since he knew Mary was in town and John talked him out from making a stupid decision to go and see her, Arthur avoided this place like plague just to not see his previous sweetheart. Because of that he neglected his hair and everything else when he stopped going to the barber and to take a bath in the local hotel. He preferred being dirty than risk seeing his old love again. Two weeks had passed since he got the letter and he was still afraid to go to Valentine even today. During a short moment when he and John walked around town preparing for the stealing, Arthur was sure that Mary had left, and he would finally be able to clean weeks of filth from himself after he and John would be back.

What was she still doing here? She was clearly leaving but why so late? Had she been waiting so long for him, hoping he would show up or was she just doing some businesses for her daddy? He wanted the later to be the case.

“Hello, Mary,” Arthur greeted her politely like always. It was impossible for him to be harsh towards her, even after she hurt him all those years ago. 

“I thought you are not in town,” she admitted and smiled warmly. “You haven’t answered to my letter. Did you get it?”

“I did,” he confirmed, looking at her from the horseback. He should’ve probably got down and talk to her like a gentleman, but sitting in the saddle was giving him a sense of security, though he wasn’t sure exactly what he was afraid of and if he was afraid only for himself. “I decided that meeting with you would be a bad idea.”

More like John decided that and talked sense into him, but Mary didn’t have to know that.

“I understand,” she replied and stared nervously behind him. “Can we talk alone?”

He completely forgot John was still there, experiencing his first ever meeting with a person he hated for years. Arthur looked behind himself and at John whom was staring at Mary. No wonder she was a little shaken up, she never met any gunman from the gang, only some of the woman. And this particular gunman wasn’t very fond of her.

John didn’t say a word, he wasn’t even keeping hands near his guns but he was radiating a dangerous energy that Arthur was able to sense, and it wasn’t even a message for him. Silently, without any words, John was telling Mary to back off. His scarred face also wasn’t encouraging to meet him and get to know him.

“We can talk right now,” Arthur calmed her down, shifting his gaze to her again. “John is a longtime friend, he know what was between us.”

He wasn’t looking directly at John, but with a corner of his eye, he noticed when the younger man frowned after hearing the word ‘friend’. John would surely use a different word but he bit his tongue in the last second. Saying something like that in this moment, in any moment, would be a very dumb move. The whole gang liked to joke about younger man’s stupidity, but truth to be told, he was very intelligent and smart, and luckily, he decided to not change that because of jealousy.

“Oh.” It didn’t sound like Mary was happy about anyone knowing about their past problems. Arthur wouldn’t have been able to keep it a secret even if he wanted to, he was sharing a tent with John back then and hiding a broken heart wasn’t easy. “I wondered why you didn’t answered to my letter.”

“Why should I? We’re done, remember?”

“That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

He would give a lot to hear it all those years ago when he still had hope. After their break up, he hoped for months that Mary would be back eventually. Now even being her friend would be painful. Not because he still had feeling for her, but because they didn’t fit with each other in any relationship.

John helped him understand that. Hearing all of this about Mary hurt but John was right. They would’ve never worked, Mary was trying to change him too much, she never understood him or his life and he didn’t fit into hers. He would’ve ended destroyed trying to please the woman for whom he was never enough. There was always something she wanted to fix in him.

It would’ve never worked between them, it wasn’t a relationship Arthur craved for, a partnership that would bring him support in time of need. It all would’ve been a lie, constant agreeing to anything the other person wanted. Living a submissive life.

“I’m afraid that any form of relationship between us is just asking for troubles,” he explained her as gently as he could but sorrow still appeared in her eyes. Arthur quickly killed the guilt in himself that tried to climb to the surface and make him take back his words. If he hurt her now, he would spare her years of suffering she brought on him once. “We’ll only hurt each other.”

“That’s not true.” Mary looked at John when he reacted with a snort to her words.

“Why did you even wrote to me?” Arthur asked her, ignoring John’s behavior for now.

“To see you again,” Mary answered, her voice shaking. Maybe it was true, but it couldn’t be the only reason. “To find out how are you doing. I missed you.”

“Why?” he asked again. “You told me that you couldn’t be with an outlaw. Why miss someone like that?”

He wished she'd told him that at the beginning, not when he got attached, in love and asked for her hand.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t miss me too, Arthur.” Mary took one step towards him. In the same moment, Old Boy moved forward and stopped between her and Snowstorm, preventing Mary from getting any closer to Arthur. John and Mary weren’t even talking to each other and yet there was a battle going on between them, and John was easily winning. His behavior was a little irritating but Arthur couldn’t help but feel flattered by it as well. That’s why he didn’t say a word to him about acting like a child. He would scold him later, when they would be alone.

“I missed you a long time ago, not anymore,” he admitted to her truthfully. Someone had to be honest. “You really send a letter just to talk? Remember something we both aren’t fond of? And for what?”

Mary got abashed and avoided his gaze. John moved nervously in the saddle.

“I don’t have only bad memories of you, Arthur,” she spoke after a while. “You left many good ones as well.”

It was true, there were couple of memories that weren’t leaving a sour taste in his mouth, but they were buried deep under all this poison that fueled their three years long relationship. He wasn’t going to dive into it to reach what was good. The pain wasn’t worth it.

“But you’re right,” she continued ashamed. “My letter wasn’t entirely altruistic. Jaime got into some troubles and since you was in the area I thought…”

“That I will do what I can do best, clean up the mess,” Arthur finished for her. He wasn’t even surprised, despite hating who he was it wouldn’t be the first time Mary and her family tried to use him for something. “I’m sorry, Mary, I like your brother, but you should ask your husband for those kind of favors, not me.”

“He’s dead,” she revealed right away. “Pneumonia.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Thank you.” Mary paused for a moment. “Asking you for help wasn’t the only reason I wanted to meet you.”

“I believe you,” he assured her. “But that doesn’t change anything. Your visit here, no matter the reason, would only reopen the old wounds that was healed years ago. Your letter alone reminded me I wasn’t good enough to be your husband but apparently I’m good enough for dirty work since you wanted to ask me for help.”

He was feeling like a tool right now, the one anyone can take when its needed only to later lock in the box to forget about it till it can be useful again. He felt like that for three years.

“Is it really how you think of me?” Mary asked with sadness. “Oh Arthur. You’re a wonderful man…”

“But under the mask of an outlaw,” he interrupted her. He heard that many times before. “I remember. But this outlaw IS me, it’s not a mask. That just who I am, Mary. That’s why it didn’t work out between us, why you rejected me after playing me for years. Why do you want to drag me back?”

“I don’t,” she denied quickly. “I really wanted to see how are you, if something changed.”

If YOU changed. She didn’t say it but he knew it was what she wanted to tell.

“You shouldn’t have. For your own good, Mary, forget about me, completely. There is too much disappointment and disagreement to even be friends. It will only hurt us both. We are incapable of existing without hurting each other. Eventually I will do something that you won’t like, what will scare you, and you will say something that will make me feel like a trash. I was dealing with it for three years, I don’t want a repeat. Goodbye, Mary.”

Without waiting for her to say something, Arthur went around Old Boy and headed to the saloon, feeling his heart beating heavily. He hoped it’s the end of it, that he wouldn’t have to get back to memories of the time when, like a fool, he worked for respect of someone for whom he would always be just a common bandit and a murderer. When he was so desperate he believed no one else would ever love him so he fought for the love of a woman that never loved him, only a idealized image of him.

This relationship had no chance to work, especially when it was killing him from the inside every time Mary had said he should change, that he wasn’t good enough.

He didn’t blame her for not loving him for who he was. Who else beside another outlaw would be with a criminal? He only regretted that they stayed together for so long, that she played with him and gave him a false hope she eventually buried herself. He probably wasn’t without any fault himself when he was always trying to prove her he’s enough, fueling her dreams and fantasies about a perfect relationship in the process.

They should’ve noticed everything earlier. Maybe they did but they denied it because they both wanted a relationship – him; any relationship, she; the one that daddy didn't chose for her. Maybe if not that, they would’ve found all they needed in other people much earlier.

Mary got herself a husband eventually but it was hard to tell if she was happy, if she found someone perfect like him.

John caught up to Arthur before he reached saloon.

“Not a word,” Arthur said to him the moment younger man opened his mouth to say something. “We’ll talk later.”

His lover nodded and they both entered. Arthur was happy when Dutch send John and Strauss somewhere, he didn’t want to feel or see sympathy in younger man’s gaze. He needed a drink. Thankfully they were in a perfect place for that and Dutch was definitely in for some drinking.

He should’ve known that meeting Mary was bad sign and that day won’t end as good as it started. 

They weren’t expecting Cornwall to find them here, or that he would be bold enough to attack them but apparently when you have a private army behind you, you become bolder. Even more so when your people made a living shields out of your enemies.

They barely avoided tragedy. Arthur didn’t even think about Strauss when Cornwall’s man were holding him and John, ready to slit their throat. It wasn’t that Arthur disliked Strauss and wanted him dead, but the choice who to save in the first place was obvious.

John was aware of that too, that’s why he wasn’t even scared when Cornwall’s man held him. Trustfully he waited for Arthur’s move, whom draw his revolver with incredible speed and made a big hole in place of an eye of the man that was threatening Arthur’s lover. John reached to man’s holster immediately and while both him and the body were falling to the ground, he shoot another man with almost inhuman precision and saved Strauss. The younger man quickly got back to his feet and along with Arthur and Dutch started to shoot his way through Valentine. 

During all this, Mary was probably still at the station. Whatever she was seeing what was happening, Arthur didn’t know, but she surely heard it. She knew he was part of this. If she still had any hope for their relationship to work out, after the massacre they caused she must’ve realized that there was too big of a difference between their worlds to allow them to be in each other’s life. Arthur could change, but he wouldn’t be able to change his past that always scared her.

What was making Mary tremble with fear, it was making John tremble with excitement. They were shooting next to each other, fighting side by side. They weren’t scared of one another, and the past, while uncomfortable, would be always accepted by them. Arthur would never had to pretend in front of John his past was none existent, that he wasn’t killing people for years. John wouldn’t look at him with pity, fear or disgust, because he knew well himself what it meant to be an outlaw.

John was giving him something Mary never could or didn’t want to give him – acceptance. With John, Arthur didn’t feel pressured to change and till now he never realized how much he needed that assurance, how much it held him together whenever he was thinking that maybe Mary was right all along when she was saying he was a bad man. 

She most likely had. Arthur probably could’ve had been better, but John wasn’t treating it like requirement for their relationship. The only thing he wanted from Arthur, was the man himself.

They had to move after the shoot-out, so Arthur headed with Charles to look for another home while the other packed. Dutch told them to hurry, Arthur didn’t even had time to check if John was really alright. He noticed the faint cut on his neck left by the knife. It wasn’t bleeding, but Arthur would rather see it himself.

John wanted the same thing. Before Arthur left, he was staring at the small torn in older man’s shirt and the stain of blood that was left by the bullet that grazed Arthur’s shoulder. 

They couldn’t check each other’s injuries though, the gang had to hurry if they didn’t want Horseshoe Overlook to become another place of a massacre.

They made up to it at night when the caravan finally reached Clemens Point, a big clearing at the lake shore where they were hidden behind the woods. Arthur was waiting there for others and when they arrived, he pulled John aside right away. Nobody noticed, everyone was too busy with setting up the camp to bother with the absence of two lovers.

They didn’t wander too far. Far enough to not be heard but close enough to get back quickly and pretend they only took a short walk together.

Despite shoot-out and escape, John was still in a possessive mood after meeting Mary. He shoved Arthur at tree and kissed him when they were outside of the hearing range of their friends. Arthur wasn’t complaining and kissed back enthusiastically. He wanted to show John who was and always would be a priority to him, that Mary means nothing anymore. 

John must’ve understood, because after a short while he relaxed visibly and became more docile when he got what he wanted. In that state it wasn’t hard for Arthur to switch their position and press the younger man to the tree. John didn’t need any encouragement to drop his pants either, or to jump to wrap his legs around Arthur’s hips, held in the air only by the trunk behind himself and by his lover’s arms.

Arthur took him like this, using some gun oil to ease the friction. They had to silence themselves by biting their own bandanas. They were far, but they were also loud and both man didn’t want to risk getting caught.

Nobody suspected anything when two man got back to camp. They got scared for a moment when Sean pointed out pieces of the bark on John’s shirt but they explained it was from leaning against the tree. Nobody had to know that despite the shirt Arthur almost shredded his lover’s back when he was pressing him to a tree with his fast and strong thrusts. They wanted to finish as fast as they could to not make anyone suspicious of their long absence. 

Both man craved something more, something slow and tender like their trip to the mountains but they would had to wait with that one, till the heat die out and they would be able to leave the camp together. For now their need for closeness was satisfied after it grew rapidly because of their meeting with Mary.

Arthur was sure this was the last time he had seen her, he was surprised when he got another letter, this time asking him to meet her in Saint Denis.

He didn’t tell John about it. The atmosphere in the gang was tense lately, Sean died, they rescued Jack just a couple of days ago and Kieran disappeared somewhere, and was now probably telling Colm everything he found about the gang. Everyone had a lot on their heads right now, living in a big stress like never before, Arthur didn’t want to add to John’s pile more shit in form of another reason to be jealous. Especially since he was the only one out of the whole gang who was in a relatively good mood, and instead of constantly worrying about the future he tried to spend some time with his son after ignoring him for years.

Arthur had no desire in ruining that and after telling everyone he’s leaving to snoop in the city, he headed towards Saint Denis alone. John didn’t suspect anything and wished Arthur a safe ride.

He didn’t go to the meeting expecting or hoping for something. He just wanted to end it once and for all since Valentine apparently wasn’t effective. So Arthur knew for what he was going for, he was only afraid what Mary wanted out of all this. He wished it wasn’t what he wouldn’t be able to give her. 

She was excited to see him, too much for his taste. When she looked from the balcony all smiley, Arthur knew already that their meeting wouldn’t end well for her. There was no pain waiting for him like it was for her.

Of course she didn’t want to meet to just talk. Just like the last time she had a hidden motive. This time daddy needed help. Arthur would’ve helped Jamie but this bastard? Never. He couldn’t believe Mary even asked for the help when she was aware how her father hated Arthur. Mutually. She didn’t care how he felt listening to her pleads, she only cared about daddy, just like years before. How could he had never seen this soon enough to leave without a heartbreak?

Mary tried to convince him using her favorite method, pity. Previously, he would’ve done what she wanted, he’d been desperate enough. Arthur still was feeling sorry for her but he no longer felt pressured to give in to her and her wishes in fear of damaging their relationship and causing them to break up. He was always doing what she wanted to not make her leave which she did anyway. There was nothing to damage anymore and nothing to fear, so her natural talent for making him feel guilty wasn’t doing anything to him anymore. 

Arthur refused to help her. Several times. So Mary changed her strategy, trying to play with his previous feeling. She admitted she still loved him, that the last years were hard for her. He could hear she was telling the truth, the only problem was he didn’t love her anymore. At all. Even the smallest portion of love he ever felt toward her was gone. He couldn’t pinpoint the moment it vanished, but he knew for sure it wasn’t in him anymore.

Even if there was something, starting over would end just like years ago, with their relationship reaching the unbreakable wall. He wouldn’t feel good being with her while knowing what Mary really thought of him, who he was to her. And she would feel bad with someone who couldn’t meet her expectations.

That’s just how it was between them and no dreaming about better future, that this time they would do better, would change that.

For many years he wanted to hear from Mary that she suffered as much as him after their break up. He believed that was how it went but she never confirmed that. Now Mary finally admitted and instead of satisfaction, Arthur only felt uncomfortable with the knowledge that Mary still felt something for him. He wanted to step away from her even though they weren’t standing that close to each other. He wanted to go and to never see her again, close this chapter of his life, show that the past is in the past, but he didn’t want to do this alone.

Arthur didn’t want to hurt Mary, make her suffer like he suffered, make her wonder ‘what if?’. Couple of years ago, her words would’ve made him happy and turned him into a naïve fool. Now? He wasn’t even tempted. He didn’t regret losing his chance, that he didn’t wait couple of more years to get what he always wanted. The thought of taking the opportunity didn’t even cross his mind.

Arthur’s feeling were strong, sincere and sure, but they weren’t directed at Mary for a long time. Her words, her confession didn’t stir anything inside him. He only felt emptiness that quickly turned into longing that was pulling him back to Shady Belle. 

“It won’t work, Mary.” Arthur was tired with it, he wanted to leave with being sure it was the last time when he needed to deal with the past he left behind all those years ago, before it returned couple of weeks ago in Valentine. “You and I, we come from a different worlds. I thought we could make it work once but you saw how it ended. You need to stop living in the past.”

“We could make it work,” she assured him. Mary took a step toward him but there was no second one when she saw how quickly he stepped back. If he would let her touch him, it would be like stabbing her in the heart. “If you could only change…”

“Why only me had to change?” he asked with irritation. Always the same thing. “Why you couldn’t change if you love me so much?”

Arthur wasn’t planning to rise his voice but he couldn’t control himself any longer after hearing once again the same words that maybe didn’t hurt anymore, but they still easily got inside his brain like a splinter under the fingernail. Maybe that would be the best approach? If Mary didn’t understand him when he was being nice, then maybe it would for the best to treat her more harshly. She never had a problem with doing that to him, even if she was always hidding all the criticism under the cover of kindness.

Mary looked at him shocked, whatever because of the tone of his voice or the used words.

“You would want me to become… an outlaw?” she stuttered with fear in her voice. She was always scared of his life, even when she was asking for favors that only an outlaw could do.

“No. That’s why I never asked you to do that. I never wanted you to change for me.”

It would make their relationship better but it wouldn’t be fair to both of them, and in the end, the whole thing would collapse like a house of cards. They couldn’t be less compatible than they already were.

“Those are two different situations, Arthur.” She was still trying to convince him. “I know you can do better and be a good man. I never wanted you to change yourself, only your actions. I always loved you for who you are.”

Arthur suppressed a laugh.

“I felt different.” The only moments when he felt truly loved by her were when he was being anyone but himself, only who she wanted him to be. Arthur Morgan, a wanted outlaw and a member of a dangerous gang was never loved by Mary Linton. He was being slowly killed. “I was never good enough. For you. For daddy.”

“But you could’ve been. I know you still can.” Mary smiled at him, as if she wanted to convince him her intentions are pure. He wasn’t tricked anymore. “You just need to believe it. You are a good man.”

“You’re still doing that,” he accused her hurt. Now he was the one to take a step forward. How many times she moved away in fear like right now? How deeply she hid it from him only to make her perfect dream relationship a reality? Show that she could change an outlaw into a respected member of a higher class? Three years of living a illusion. “You’re telling me to change. I don’t belong in your world, Mary. I never did and I never will, even if I change like you want me to. I won’t be able to give you the life you’re used to. Stop lying to yourself like I stopped.”

“It’s faith, Arthur,” she explained to him. Arthur would rather call it blindness. Recently he was an expert in recognizing it. “I have faith in you.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Arthur, I’m begging you.” She stood right in front of him but she didn’t touch him, though for a moment, it looked like she wanted to. “Leave this life, it’s not too late for that yet. Run away with me, we don’t have to live like I always did, we can…”

“I have someone,” he interrupted her quickly, before she could believe in what she was saying even more..

It had to end today. For him it would anyway, but it had to for Mary as well. He had no problems with being cruel if that would make her understand she needed to stop hoping and wishing for them to get back to each other. Otherwise she would suffer more than the first time.

Mary was speechless and stared at Arthur in shock. Slowly, out of respect to that mysterious someone, she took two steps back.

“I…”

“Wasn’t expecting I can find someone other than you?” Arthur finished for her and took a step back too. Snowstorm, waiting few feet behind him, agitatedly paced in place. She must’ve sensed her rider nervousness. 

“No, I…” She needed a moment before she continued. “I’m glad you found someone. You look happy.”

“I am.”

The gang was in a terrible situation those last couple of weeks but even in such mess just looking at John made Arthur feel better. The younger man was giving him hope that everything would be alright, that their plans would come true.

“You deserve it,” she said honestly and smiled. Her eyes held the sadness she felt. Mary was disappointed, she was feeling the same thing he did when she told him she was marrying another man. “I assume this woman is from your world? From the same cloth?”

Arthur gulped before answering. “Yes.”

“I understand.” Arthur really hoped it was true, that it was the end, that Mary was giving up. Maybe not right now but soon, after the sadness would disappear. “I’m sure she’s wonderful and she loves you like you deserve it.”

“I’m not sure I deserve it, but I am loved.” Arthur looked Mary straight into eyes. There was still hope in them. He needed to kill it, show her mercy. No open doors like the last time. Not this time. And there was only one way to make Mary stop believing in them and hope. Arthur hesitated, and words got stuck in his throat before he spat them out. “And I love him.”

She didn’t understand at first, only after a couple of second the meaning of those words reached her. Just like Arthur wanted, hope vanished from her eyes, replaced by something completely different and it wasn’t only shock that also appeared on her face.

It was the end, finally. This time for good, Mary won’t wait anymore.

“Goodbye, Mary,” he said to her and retreated to his horse before she could say something to him.

Snowstorm galloped through the emptied streets of Saint Denis and took his from the city as fast as she could. Soon enough he was riding through swamp, and towards Shady Belle. One of the chapter of his life was closed with a key that Arthur threw away. He could finally breathe freely but his hands were shaking the whole ride and even after, when he was clinging to the rail while climbing the stairs to the second floor where his room was.

He ignored it completely and quietly entered the other room. John was sleeping on his bed but he was alert the whole time and woke up the moment he sensed someone standing near.

It was dark in the room when John sat on the edge of the bed and with tired eyes looked at Arthur like ha had troubles with recognizing him.

It was confirmed a second later. “Arthur?” John asked sleepily and rubbed at his eyes.

“It’s me” Arthur didn’t know if he should sit or stand.

“You’re back?” John was more awake already but he was still a little bit sluggish when he reached to the lamp standing by the bed and lit it up. Darkness surrendered to light and both man could finally see each other. “What are you doing in my room? Not that I’m not happy, just surprised.”

“I met with her,” Arthur confessed bluntly. John stopped his yawn and looked at Arthur with a hurt expression on his face. He guessed about who Arthur was talking about. “With Mary.”

John looked confused. “Why? How did you even found her?”

“I got another letter.”

Arthur decided to sit. John shifted to the side to make him some space.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Arthur wasn’t surprised with John’s disappointment in him. He couldn’t tell his lover about the letter, John would’ve tried to stop him from going and the meeting had to happen, whatever John liked it or not. Now Arthur was telling him about it because the younger man didn’t deserve to keep it in secret from him. There was nothing to hide anyway.

“I knew how you would react.”

“Properly.” John seemed angry a little but Arthur didn’t know if John was angry at him or at Mary. “What did she wanted?”

“The same as the last time.”

John huffed. He was definitely angry at Mary.

“I hope you told her to go to hell and spend rest of the evening at the saloon.” The younger man’s voice was filled with hope when he said that, and with elbows supported on his knees he looked at Arthur expectantly.

“I didn’t help her father when she asked but I talked with her,” Arthur revealed, perfectly aware John wouldn’t like even that. For him the perfect answer to Mary’s letter would’ve been just burning it and forgetting the author but it wasn’t so easy.

John opened his mouth, disappointment already on his face. “Arthur,”

“Let me finish,” Arthur asked. John didn’t look like he wanted to listen about Mary but Arthur couldn’t hold all of this inside.

“Okay.”

“She wanted me to get back to her.”

Arthur watched John’s reaction carefully, it was surprisingly calm for him. He wasn’t angry or amused that Mary even thought that Arthur could return to him. If his own eyes and bad light weren’t deceiving Arthur, he could’ve sworn John looked scared.

“After everything?” John voice was hoarse when he asked that, staring at Arthur. “You didn’t agree. Unless you’re here to pack and say goodbye.”

It hurt. How could John even thought that Arthur would leave him? After what they gone through? Being with woman was easier than hiding with a man, but no matter how hard It sometimes was, Arthur would never change what he had with John for any easy marriage with woman. No woman could understand him like his lover.

“I told her I have someone,” he explained calmly. John breathed in relief and relaxed. “I needed to end this. She was surprised and hurt. I was sure seeing her like this would make me happy, that revenge would be sweet but I only felt sorry for her.”

John shifted closer and put his hand on Arthur’s tight. The older man looked first at the palm, and then into his lover’s eyes filled with pride.

“Which woman did you choose to be your sweetheart?” he asked teasingly. “Mary-Beth? Tilly? Karen? You need to tell one of them, they will be happy.”

Arthur shook his head.

“I chose none.” His hands were shaking again. “I told her the truth.”

It wasn’t easy. When he told about his preferences to someone last time, one man tried to kill him. With few shallow stab wounds and a fight won, he barely returned to camp, learning that night that his attraction to other man would be better kept in secret from everyone, no exceptions.

Mary was no physical threat to him but admitting his secret to her wasn’t any easier because of that. Maybe she wouldn’t be able to hurt him with fists, but she could hurt him with words. Other people would do the dirty work for her if it would ever end with Mary telling someone about this. Just telling her daddy would be enough. 

But beating was never the worst, the disgust and hate in people’s eyes were. He was never hated for being an outlaw as much as for being an invert that one night when that man was calling him different offensive names. As if killing and robbing folks was a smaller sin than loving another man.

John watched him shocked, trying to say something few times but he couldn’t find the right words. He finally just caught Arthur’s hand in his and gave it a supporting squeeze, trying to stop the shaking.

“Arthur…”

“She needed to know,” Arthur explained. John didn’t interrupt him, he let older man talk. “So she could stop hoping like I had hope once. So I told her. I told her I’m in love with another man. I didn’t even let her say anything, I run away like a coward before shock passed and she could say something. But I saw the disgust in her eyes.”

It didn’t even hurt, no worse than what he sometimes could hear in saloons when drunk man talked about hanging another sodomite. It always hurt, no matter who was saying all those cruel words about people like him and John. Mary’s reaction wasn’t special, he even expected it.

After all, she couldn’t accept a lot of things in him. One more wasn’t surprising, especially the one that could get people killed.

“At least it’s over now,” John noticed. “She won’t write to you no more.”

“I hope so.”

Arthur wasn’t sure if he would be able to look her in the eyes after what he told her. He was scared of what she would say, that her words would hurt him again.

John watched him with concern, still holding his hand. He didn’t let go even when Arthur tried to get up to go to his own room.

“Stay with me tonight,” he asked, both with words and begging eyes.

“You room has a giant hole in the wall,” Arthur reminded him, nervously looking at the said hole. Dutch’s room was just around the corner. “Everyone will see us.”

“I don’t care.” John tugged him back towards the bed. “Stay for the night. Please.”

He knew how to refuse John. He learned a long time ago how to stop his lover in situation like this to not risk them a beating or something worse. This time he didn’t want to refuse. It was a hard evening, he was still shaking and he didn’t want to be alone right now.

“I’ll stay,” he agreed, silencing his common sense that was telling him to get back to his own bed. Instead of that he took off his holster, bandolier, boots and hat before laying down next to John who quickly put out the fire in the lamp and laid down as well, ready to go back to sleep.

“Thank you,” John whispered in Arthur’s ear and hugged him from behind with his whole body.

Arthur allowed himself to relax, muscles stopped being so stiff, breathing became even, and the heart that was racing since he run from Saint Denis finally calmed down. Hands weren’t shaking anymore as well after John grabbed one of them and interlacing their fingers together, he rested their joined hands on Arthur’s chest that was slowly rising and falling with his calm breath.

Arthur was peaceful, relieved. He was safe. Fear left his body, at least for now. Same as worries and weariness of the last few hours. In the morning he will be stressed and scared again, but not right now. Right now he wanted to forget about everything and relish in one of those recently rare moments with his lover, and just for a short while feel like they were living in the world where people like them were accepted, not punished by death for no reason.

“I love you, John,” he whispered, not even knowing if John is still awake.

A soft kiss to the nape of his neck was enough answer.

“I love you too,” John murmured back and held him closer.

Arthur wanted to have this every night.

Onde day, he decided and closed his eyes, feeling John’s slow breath on his neck. One day we’ll be falling asleep like that every night. I promise.


	2. Chapter 2

Another day of swimming in the swamp. Hosea had enough of this place already, it was too damp and too hot for his poor lungs that were beginning to get worse. Horseshoe was the best place for him but because of one stupid mistake they had to run away from there. They were making mistakes ever since. He made one himself by trusting this Braithwaite’s hag too much.

They became too bold, playing two sides of the ancients feud wasn’t the best idea they ever had, and Sean paid the biggest price for it. Jack almost got hurt too. Hosea was worried how many more people would die because of their stupid games.

Their gang was supposed to just lay low and then disappear, get back to the west. Instead they were moving further east, and not even being able to fully get back on their feet, only tripping the whole time. Mistake after mistake, making hasty decisions under the influences of emotions, reckless plans. Something like that would’ve been unthinkable before, now Hosea was having a hard time getting into Dutch.

His friend was getting worse. Hosea had no idea what was the cause of this, maybe Dutch felt cornered, maybe fear was affecting his decisions. Never before he was losing a ground so fast from under his feet like recently. Dutch was clearly lost, he kept asking for more time to think of a better plan but every single one never brought them closer to their goal of escaping. Hosea’s friend was losing control and he had no idea what to do to stop it, if it was even possible.

But he was going to try. If there was even a small chance to save what they created together, their small family, Hosea was going to take it. That’s why he went looking for Dutch right after breakfast. He was sure he was going to meet his friend then but Dutch was nowhere to be seen, he never left the house. Sleeping this late wasn’t like him.

Hosea entered the ruined building, heading right upstairs. He spotted Dutch after climbing the stairs, the other man was standing by John’s rooms and was looking inside with a strange expression on his face.

“There you are, Dutch,” Hosea spoke up to his friend and came closer. “I thought you are still sleeping.”

“Did you knew about this?” Dutch asked him quietly.

Hosea was confused.

“About what?”

“This.”

Dutch moved and let Hosea looks inside of the room.

Hosea remained calm when he saw his two sons sleeping together, hugging so tightly it was impossible to fit a needle between them.

“They’re just sleeping together,” he noticed, seemingly unaffected by this sight, but truth to be told, his poor, old heart was racing with nerves. “Don’t you remember how much they was doing it when John joined? They was sleeping together in one bed for three years before John asked for his own tent, and even then they slept together under some trees.”

In the past whenever they couldn’t find John or Arthur, and boy’s horses were still in the camp, all he and Dutch needed to do to find them was check every shaded place around and they would always find them peacefully napping side by side under a tree or behind some boulder.

They stopped doing that as often at one point, and Hosea had a feeling it had something to do with how the boys started seeing each other as something more than just close friends.

“Next each other, not snuggled together.” Dutch was wary to not raise his voice but it wasn’t lacking emotions. The man was angry. “John is not a child anymore, Hosea. I understand sleeping together to share heat when it’s cold but this? Abigail should be in this bed with him, not Arthur. He should cuddle with her not his own brother.”

Dutch seemed to forget that John and Abigail weren’t a couple despite having a child together. She would make a good wife but John already found his better half.

“Don’t you think you’re exaggerating it a little?” Hosea needed to do something before the boys could wake up or Dutch had a chance to do something stupid. “Like you said, they’re brothers, best friends. It’s natural that they look for comfort from each other. Arthur came back late, something must’ve happened in Saint Denis, he came to John for support and they fall asleep. I’m sure that when they wake up, they’ll pretend nothing happened and that they didn’t sleep together like two orphaned puppies.”

He was sure that’s exactly what happened last night. He doubted they would otherwise risk that much by sleeping in the open. Hosea was only wrong about the one thing, John and Arthur wouldn’t regret sleeping together, at least if they would never find out they got caught in the act, which Hosea was going to make sure it would stay that way. There was no reason to scare the boys. 

Dutch looked at him and then closely at their two sons again. Hosea wanted to shoot himself when John, still asleep, snuggled closer to Arthur and nosed his neck before he once again fall deeper into his sleep with a content sigh. It surely didn’t convince Dutch there was nothing going on between these two but it looked like he was going to let it go.

Hosea didn’t like the worry in his friend’s eyes when he was looking at his two beloved sons. As if they had suddenly became a threat to him. Did Dutch believed in this nonsense about getting infected with sodomy? Why was he so bothered by it? Arthur and John’s relationship, while unconventionally and not accepted by the society, wouldn’t change a thing in the gang. No more than any other relationship.

Dutch finally said something again. 

“I hope you’re right.” Hosea watched his friend walking towards the stairs. “I don’t want such things in my camp. Others wouldn’t like it.”

Dutch went downstairs, Hosea waited a moment longer, looking at two younger man sleeping comfortably in each other’s arms.

“You need to be more careful, boys,” he whispered with worry, checking if Dutch or anyone else wasn’t around. “Don’t risk when you don’t have to.”

He understood it was hard for them to live in hiding all the time but it was for their own good. Dutch wouldn’t hurt them, maybe he would threw them from the gang, but he would never harm them. Hosea couldn’t say the same thing about the others. Maybe they would surprise him with their approach, but it was better to leave it untested when there were such impulsive and hot headed man in the gang like Bill and Micah.

Making his way down the stairs, Hosea made some noises to wake the boys but not scare them in the process. When he was at the bottom, he could hear steps upstairs and few moments later, doors being opened. They got up, good, they were safe for now. Dutch was suspecting something but Hosea hoped his explanation for what they witnessed was convincing enough to make Dutch forget what he saw, at least for a while. Everything was in John and Arthur’s hands now, they had to be careful and not show anything that would make Dutch suspect the true nature of their relationship again. No matter what, the gang was still the safest place for them.

Hosea wanted them to be safe everywhere but it was impossible for now. Maybe sometime soon, if they could succeed in escaping the country. Boys would had to wait a little longer, still hiding, only better than tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And few days later, before the bank heist, Hosea took custody over his boys and run away with them. The end.


End file.
